It’s perfect timing for me. I finally took the leap last week. I gave up my Blackberry and got an iPhone.  I’m hoping to audition for the band by year’s end.

“My Mother is the most wonderful Mom in the world!

Her favorite food is fruit.

She is as pretty as a rose.

She weights 115 lbs. and is 5.5 feet tall.

I think Mom looks funny when she dances.

I know she’s really angry when she doesn’t get her way.”

This kid knows me way too well. Possibly with the exception of the 115 lbs. Last time I checked, it was…ahem…116.

What have your kids said lately that caught you off guard?

When I fly, I’m always drawn to the SkyMall catalog. And with Christmas just a few days away, I wanted to make sure you were aware of these gifting gems, all currently available at SkyMall:

An aluminum wine-safe that is FAA approved to carry 12 bottles of wine on your flight with you. Their slogan is “Leave no wine behind.” I think it should be “Leave no win-o behind.”

Video Recording Sunglasses with a built-in video camera to let you discreetly record all that you see. Ummm…creepy. These are probably the same people buying “The only picture taking night vision binoculars.”

A portable microwave oven with a DC adapter so you can use it in your car. Isn’t that what drive thru’s are for??

The marshmallow shooter. OK, all kidding aside, I hope this shows up in my stocking.

A remote-controlled tarantula. Yep, I know what I’m getting my sister’s kids for Christmas. She’ll never forgive me.

Adult-sized footed pajamas fits up to 6’7”/260 lbs. I think we may do our family Christmas card pic in these next year. Joel, are you in?

Seat pair from the original Yankee stadium. $1,499 includes the original beer stains and sweat scent. It makes a great addition to the $99 “Freeze-dried grass from the original Yankee stadium.

“The slanket” - Apparently the Snuggie has competition!

The Hollywood Cookie Diet. If anyone has tried this, please contact me personally before I waste $60. So tempting…

Pants Un-heeled. Your “sole-u-tion” to the annoying pants/heel wedgie. What is a pants/heel wedgie? That annoying occurrence when your pants creep under your heel when you’re wearing open-back heels. Where have you been all my life? I am totally buying these.

Solafeet, a small tanning bed for your feet. “Golfers, rid yourself of those ugly sock tan lines forever.” Proof that we really do have many significant worries here in America.

A doggie-DNA test kit. Seriously? What dog wants to find out that his mom was prowling around?

The square root watch. Instead of the hour markers, each is represented as a square root that translates into whole numbers. Ad says “Brainy math types will love this watch, but why should they have all the fun?” This was obviously created by a lonely, brainy math type who for the life of him…can’t figure out why he is alone.

Yes, those are all real. I couldn’t make it up if I tried. Another tribute to good old-fashioned American excess.

Hope this helps as you fight the crowds looking for the perfect last-minute gift.