Agent Mom

I like to know the plan. And I like to be in control.

Those are not bad things in themselves. But the past few months, God has been asking me to say “yes.” That in itself is not necessary difficult, either. I’ve often heard God give me clear direction to give, to do something, or make changes in my life. I usually manage to make the right decision, and have always found out that God’s plans are way better than mine.

The difference lately is that God is asking me to say “yes” without giving me the plan. I’ve clearly felt him prompting me to decide that I’d say “yes” to anything (and yes, I mean anything) he’d ask of me. How scary!! That takes away my control, erases my plan and potentially puts me in discomfort.

It’s been a few months and I can finally say that I’m at that point. Whatever he asks, I’ll do. I’m waiting for some life-changing, earth-shattering request but it hasn’t come yet. Maybe this is more about the process of submission than the act of obedience. Maybe not. Regardless, I can’t wait to see what is in store.

It struck me on my drive back from a great vacation with my family that I was actually looking forward to Monday morning. I mean, I LOVE laying on the beach, eating ice cream and building sand castles with my kids. In fact, I’m becoming obsessed with finding a way to spend a few months a year doing just that. But at the same time I couldn’t wait to reconnect with clients and implement new ideas that resulted from a week of relaxation.

In the past, I’ve had vacations that seem like an escape from life. These were usually followed by a pit in my stomach as I DREADED going back to work. What a difference to have a fulfilling, God-ordained purpose. Since the early days of The A Group, I’ve always known that only God could orchestrate such a strange and wonderful path to start an endeavor that partners with His ministry around the world.

I told someone yesterday that I have the best job in the world. I get to see first hand the way he is working through ministries and ministers who also love what they are called to do and are so devoted to a specific cause. Just to mention a few:

LIFEHOUSE – I spent this past weekend with my friend Becky Turner of LifeHouse of Houston. Becky and her committed team of board members, staff and volunteers literally pour their lives into providing a safe place for pregnant teen girls who choose (often against the advice of everyone in their lives) to give their babies life.

DAVID RING MINISTRIES – For the past couple years, I’ve watched David Ring expand his ministry.  In fact, we have the privilege of helping to launch his new ministry to high school students. After 30 years of ministry, he has such a heart to reach the lost and rather than being satisfied by status quo, he continues to pursue new opportunities.

WOMEN OF FAITH – Mary Graham and her team at Women of Faith are another example of those who are passionate about their calling. As I met Mary and Amy Chandy last fall, it was clear that their deep commitment – which includes long hours and an incredible travel schedule – is driven by a true desire to see women led into a deeper walk with Christ.

FWBIM – I have a great respect for Mark McPeak and his team at Free Will Baptist International Missions. With the daunting task of managing hundreds of missionaries around the world, the FWBIM group never settles for second best. Rather than just getting the job done, they’re committed to strategic thinking and planning which sets them apart and equips the organization for long-term excellence.

Today, my vacation is over and my tan is rapidly fading, but I have a new appreciation for the opportunity to partner with those who are so committed to a calling. I thank God that we each have a specific part to play, and that I can spend my days pursuing my passion and not just a paycheck.

This week I took a 12th anniversary trip to Phoenix, AZ with my husband, Joel. We left the girls with grandparents, met some close friends, and spent 3 days at a great resort and spa.

The second day of our trip we drove a couple hours to Sedona, a gorgeous city surrounded by the red rocks of the Coconino National Forest. We spent the afternoon on a 3-hour hike to a mesa with a 360-degree view of the city and surrounding mountains. (Side note: This type of physical activity on a spa vacation was definitely not my idea! In fact, Joel spent most of two days hiking, and hit the gym on the other days. I on the other hand, got my workout raising the little flag to call the pool attendant over so I could order a snack or drink.)

But back to Sedona…after our hike, we went to a lookout to view the famous Sedona Sunset. It really was amazing! We snapped the picture above just before the sun touched the top of the mountains. When the sun finally sank below the horizon, the crowd at the lookout spontaneously began to clap. I wondered what they were thinking….”hooray, God!”? Who were they clapping for?

After dinner we said goodbye to Sedona and began our drive back to Phoenix. On the ride home, it struck me that this day ranked right up there with the top experiences of my life. It also struck me that the day was about enjoying time with those I love and seeing one of God’s natural gifts. It wasn’t about things, awards or accomplishments. It was not tied in any way to the achievements that I spend the majority of my life striving for. In the middle of a global economic meltdown, I sat on a cliff and enjoyed the sunset.

This reminds me of another great life experience – spending a few months in the Dominican Republic living and working in an orphanage. One of my greatest memories of those days is attending the village church. I remember tears streaming down my face as I sat amongst the greatest poverty and need that I’ve experienced, while Christians around me praised God for his faithfulness. That was when I realized that my happiness should not be based on what I have or don’t have. How freeing to know that ANYTHING can be happening around me and I can still choose to be joyful!

I’m back home from Sedona and trying to reconcile the experiences of a great trip with the responsibilities of a busy life. Above all, I’ve got to keep the perspective that the happiness of my life is in no way tied to a paycheck or savings account. As a practical matter, I’ve cut back on the negative news that I listen to and read. We all know there are financial struggles around us – being reminded of them over and over again is useless.

The sun sets in Franklin, TN just as it does in Sedona. I just might make a point to see it this week.

This is really tough for me, but I’m learning to admit that I’m a work in progress. And as a work in progress, I’m not….perfect. There I said it.

I have always been a perfectionist. I vividly remember crying in my seat in third grade because a math problem was challenging to me. I wanted everything to come easily and I wanted an A+.

As I grew up, the struggle continued in different areas. As a newlywed, I tried so hard to make everyone think that we were the perfect couple – no arguing, no financial struggles, none of the common newlywed “issues.” The truth was that we fought more during our first year of newlywed “bliss” than we have at any other point in our marriage. And I remember heading to the scratch and dent grocery store with $25 to purchase two weeks of groceries.

As a new mom, I wanted nothing more than to show up at church with the smiling baby all fixed up, myself dressed to perfection and just smile and say “We’re doing great. She’s sleeping through the night already” when my amazed friends asked how I could have a newborn and be put so together.

Reality found me toting around baby weight with nothing in my closet that fit. And my perfect baby – well, she did sleep through the night early on, but that was the only thing that kept me sane since she cried every waking moment. I was crushed when I overheard someone at church say, “That is the grouchiest baby I’ve every met.”

A year ago I went back to work full-time. I am blessed to have a job I love. I am grateful to have an opportunity to work with so many amazing ministries and leaders. But again I find myself in a zone of perfectionism. I’d like to be super woman. I want everyone to be amazed that I have it all! But the truth is that every day is a struggle.

I often feel guilty that I’m not giving as much to my job as I did before I had kids. I often struggle to remain connected and spend quality time with my kids at the end of the day when I am exhausted. And there are many things that I don’t have time for anymore. I have had to resign from volunteer positions. I rarely have time to sit over a cup of coffee with a friend. And I have to dust my treadmill off before I use it once a month.

The last few years God continues to deal with me on the issue of pride. When I realize that the root of all my attempts at perfection is pride, it looks a little different. Rather than disguising it as an attempt to “give it my all” or “be the best I can be,” I now realize that this has nothing to do with others and everything to do with my selfish desires.

What a relief to know that I can let go of the super-woman syndrome. I was created to bring glory to God. My attempt at perfectionism is not an attempt to bring glory to God, but rather to bring glory to Shannon. In fact, it takes away my ability to rely on God and therefore stifles the ways He can use me. When I turn everything – the perfect, the imperfect and the grouchy baby – over to Him, He can be glorified.

This weekend we were at our small group meeting when I heard a scream from the room where the kids were playing. And though our small group has more toddlers than a Jon & Kate episode, I immediately knew THAT scream. It was my 1-year-old. I literally leapt over the child gate and saw my daughter’s finger pinned in the frame of a closed door.

Apparently my 5-year-old daughter had gone into the restroom and unknowingly shut the door on her sister’s finger. The worst part was that, in spite of the scream, she locked the door and continued about her business!

So there I was pounding on the door, screaming “Open this door NOW!” And my sweet, usually compliant daughter kept responding “But m-o-m, I am going to the bathroom!”

As I thought about it later, I realized how strange it must have been to my 5-year-old that I was demanding she open the door at that very moment. But the next day, long after the finger had been determined not to be broken, we had a long conversation about obedience. It scared me so badly to think that in a moment of emergency, my daughter might not obey.

It really comes down to trust. My daughter has to learn to trust my judgment, even when it makes no sense.

Honestly, she gets it from me. I want to know why and when and how often…before I follow the instructions. And once I have all the info, I reserve the right to take some time and decide if I agree.

All too often the same applies to my trust in my heavenly father. I want all the facts. I can just imagine God saying, “Get off the toilet and open the door! Even though what you’re doing seems right to you, you don’t see the whole picture!”

What if as a child of God I quit explaining what I’m doing…or why I’m doing it…and just OBEYed?

I’ve often heard the advice that we should live “in the moment.” Great concept, in theory. Applying it is another matter.

This past weekend I was on a business trip. I left on Saturday morning to a disappointed 5-year-old saying “But mommy, Saturday is a NOBODY work day!” I finally got myself to the airport under a huge cloud of guilt, and 5 hours later, I landed in Connecticut. We spent 2 solid days completing a video shoot for an upcoming project. It went great and at the end of the last day, I was so ready to get on a plane and return to my family.

Exhausted, I climbed on a packed flight and found myself in the center seat, though it really didn’t matter. I had my sights fixed on Nashville. A man sat down next to me and I tried my best to smile politely and then bury my nose in the fascinating US Air magazine. The last thing I needed was a chatty plane-mate. Unfortunately, he started right in to the regular plane chit chat. “Are you coming or going?”… “What were you doing in Connecticut?”…and on and on. I gave short answers but nothing worked. Finally, I gave up and entered the conversation.

For the next 90 minutes, I found out that this man was recently divorced and recently lost his job. He was in Nashville for a new job opportunity, though he was crushed that it would mean leaving his son behind with his ex-wife. I was able to share my testimony with him and how Christ has been my constant source of strength and peace in rough times. He listened intently.

That flight was “living in the moment.” My plans for were for quiet and quick flight home, but God had other plans. I pray that I always remain open to the moments that He wants to use me to touch someone in need. It won’t always be convenient. And it certainly won’t fit into my neat and orderly Outlook calendar. But I know that nothing on that calendar is as important as the opportunity to make an eternal difference.