Agent Mom

I just returned from a great – albeit exhausting – trip to Disney World with our two girls, ages 3 and 7. As we ran around the resort and parks, I was fascinated by the mix of families and children from so many countries. I’ve described it as a “24-hour display of tired kids, frustrated parents and bad parenting from all over the globe.”

Around day 3, I started to notice a strange similarity that crossed race and cultural boundaries. Parents from around the world had paid a lot of money to come to Disney, but instead of quality family time, they were texting, sending emails or talking on the phone. I know this happens everyday. I know I do this everyday. But for some reason it was a powerful realization. As I watched – really watched – the children as they walked silently alongside parents who were so UNengaged, it was a real wake-up call.

Editorial Note: This is not my family. If it were, the mom would be texting and the dad would be rolling his eyes.

At one late night family meal, I watched a father on his iPhone through the entire hour dinner. His wife was tending to a screaming child while his parents-in-law sat by helplessly. Not ONCE did he even look up at his family. It made me wonder if it would do less damage to his family if he just didn’t join them. I’m honestly not sure which is worse – an absent parent or a physically present parent who blatantly demonstrates that he has no interest in his family.

The last couple days of vacation I intentionally left my Blackberry in the hotel room. I made sure that my vacation priority was not about staying plugged in, but rather about plugging in to my family. I’m in the process of taking a close look at my personal boundaries and practicing more “unplugged parenting.”

What limits do you set on your technology usage?

There’s only one thing worse than a bad plan….a good plan with bad implementation.

I’m a planner. I value not only the plan, but the process of defining strategy and setting expectations. Unfortunately, too many good plans get a bad rap. No matter how good the plan is, without adequate support – time, priority and financial – it will fail. If you’re able to sweep the failure aside and move on, good for you, but in most cases the consequences of losing extend well beyond the obvious failure, including:

1. Risk Aversion – For every failed plan, you’re less likely to take the risk necessary to achieve success in the future.

2. Misdirected Blame – Once a plan fails, we’re most likely to blame the plan, not the execution. I’ve sat with many clients who say, “We tried that. It didn’t work.” Many times I’m certain that it wasn’t the idea that was wrong. But most of these good plans will never get another chance.

3. Loser Syndrome – Teams or individuals that lose start to experience a loser mentality. In my first years in marketing, I was part of a brilliant team. Strangely, this team of successful people was collectively a failure. Looking back, I realize that the team had experienced too many losses to ever win. We had loser syndrome.

Unfortunately, these consequences follow losses in all areas of life…from major boardroom initiatives to the simple parenting strategies that lack follow through.

Don’t give up on planning and trying new things. But before implementing the next plan, evaluate the investment you’re prepared to make. When a plan isn’t successful but you know you gave it all you’ve got, there’s much to be learned. When it fails due to poor execution, there is much more to be lost than you may realize.

Have you experienced any of these (or other) consequences of a failed plan?

This week I took a 12th anniversary trip to Phoenix, AZ with my husband, Joel. We left the girls with grandparents, met some close friends, and spent 3 days at a great resort and spa.

The second day of our trip we drove a couple hours to Sedona, a gorgeous city surrounded by the red rocks of the Coconino National Forest. We spent the afternoon on a 3-hour hike to a mesa with a 360-degree view of the city and surrounding mountains. (Side note: This type of physical activity on a spa vacation was definitely not my idea! In fact, Joel spent most of two days hiking, and hit the gym on the other days. I on the other hand, got my workout raising the little flag to call the pool attendant over so I could order a snack or drink.)

But back to Sedona…after our hike, we went to a lookout to view the famous Sedona Sunset. It really was amazing! We snapped the picture above just before the sun touched the top of the mountains. When the sun finally sank below the horizon, the crowd at the lookout spontaneously began to clap. I wondered what they were thinking….”hooray, God!”? Who were they clapping for?

After dinner we said goodbye to Sedona and began our drive back to Phoenix. On the ride home, it struck me that this day ranked right up there with the top experiences of my life. It also struck me that the day was about enjoying time with those I love and seeing one of God’s natural gifts. It wasn’t about things, awards or accomplishments. It was not tied in any way to the achievements that I spend the majority of my life striving for. In the middle of a global economic meltdown, I sat on a cliff and enjoyed the sunset.

This reminds me of another great life experience – spending a few months in the Dominican Republic living and working in an orphanage. One of my greatest memories of those days is attending the village church. I remember tears streaming down my face as I sat amongst the greatest poverty and need that I’ve experienced, while Christians around me praised God for his faithfulness. That was when I realized that my happiness should not be based on what I have or don’t have. How freeing to know that ANYTHING can be happening around me and I can still choose to be joyful!

I’m back home from Sedona and trying to reconcile the experiences of a great trip with the responsibilities of a busy life. Above all, I’ve got to keep the perspective that the happiness of my life is in no way tied to a paycheck or savings account. As a practical matter, I’ve cut back on the negative news that I listen to and read. We all know there are financial struggles around us – being reminded of them over and over again is useless.

The sun sets in Franklin, TN just as it does in Sedona. I just might make a point to see it this week.

This is really tough for me, but I’m learning to admit that I’m a work in progress. And as a work in progress, I’m not….perfect. There I said it.

I have always been a perfectionist. I vividly remember crying in my seat in third grade because a math problem was challenging to me. I wanted everything to come easily and I wanted an A+.

As I grew up, the struggle continued in different areas. As a newlywed, I tried so hard to make everyone think that we were the perfect couple – no arguing, no financial struggles, none of the common newlywed “issues.” The truth was that we fought more during our first year of newlywed “bliss” than we have at any other point in our marriage. And I remember heading to the scratch and dent grocery store with $25 to purchase two weeks of groceries.

As a new mom, I wanted nothing more than to show up at church with the smiling baby all fixed up, myself dressed to perfection and just smile and say “We’re doing great. She’s sleeping through the night already” when my amazed friends asked how I could have a newborn and be put so together.

Reality found me toting around baby weight with nothing in my closet that fit. And my perfect baby – well, she did sleep through the night early on, but that was the only thing that kept me sane since she cried every waking moment. I was crushed when I overheard someone at church say, “That is the grouchiest baby I’ve every met.”

A year ago I went back to work full-time. I am blessed to have a job I love. I am grateful to have an opportunity to work with so many amazing ministries and leaders. But again I find myself in a zone of perfectionism. I’d like to be super woman. I want everyone to be amazed that I have it all! But the truth is that every day is a struggle.

I often feel guilty that I’m not giving as much to my job as I did before I had kids. I often struggle to remain connected and spend quality time with my kids at the end of the day when I am exhausted. And there are many things that I don’t have time for anymore. I have had to resign from volunteer positions. I rarely have time to sit over a cup of coffee with a friend. And I have to dust my treadmill off before I use it once a month.

The last few years God continues to deal with me on the issue of pride. When I realize that the root of all my attempts at perfection is pride, it looks a little different. Rather than disguising it as an attempt to “give it my all” or “be the best I can be,” I now realize that this has nothing to do with others and everything to do with my selfish desires.

What a relief to know that I can let go of the super-woman syndrome. I was created to bring glory to God. My attempt at perfectionism is not an attempt to bring glory to God, but rather to bring glory to Shannon. In fact, it takes away my ability to rely on God and therefore stifles the ways He can use me. When I turn everything – the perfect, the imperfect and the grouchy baby – over to Him, He can be glorified.

Today I sat in a room with a group of men bragging about their blog rankings. Honestly, if I didn’t have to pick up a pack of diapers, take my daughter to the doctor with another ear infection, interview babysitters, and finish a marketing plan for a client presentation, I would just love to worry about where my little journal ranks amongst the estimated 10 million others.

In fact there are many things I would love to worry about – how to drop a few pounds, world peace, and finishing a well-intentioned baby scrapbook for my daughter who just turned five. But I often seem caught in this cycle of worrying about survival. Making sure my kids are fed dinner somehow makes it to the top of my priority list every night!

Earlier this week I had lunch with a new friend who is my age and admitted that she wasn’t sure she really wanted to have children. She loves her career and isn’t sure that she wants kids. I respect that decision as much as I respect all my great friends who work (so hard!) at home every single day.

The truth is – regardless of our choices on children and working, we all must make choices that reflect our priorities. When I put my computer down to play a board game with my daughter, it reflects my priorities. When I spent a little extra time putting finishing touches on a client project, it reflects my priorities. When I push aside the tax report pile on my desk to take a call from a friend in crisis, it reflects my priorities. And while I want to be everything to everybody, I can’t. There are days that simply meeting the survival needs of my family is a major accomplishment.

Don’t get me wrong – I love technology and am fascinated by the way social media continues to change the way we communicate. There are many opportunities to reach people with whom we might otherwise never come in contact.

But as long as I know where my priorities lie, I will never have to feel like a lesser human because my blog ranks lower than yours.